Why I'm Doing This, and Short History
Ummm...because Mullets Rock! This all started because the White Sox have a promo every summer called "Mullet Night". Great Clips sets up hair cutting stations around the park, they sell wigs, and the money they collect goes to the various charities that White Sox Charities supports. But to REALLY understand, we have to go back. WAY back, to when I was an undergrad. It's a good story. Check it out here.
I think the idea was planted way back in spring of 2001 when I was a sophomore in college. It was right before Easter, and I didn't have a whole lot of gas cash to drive back to Chicago (probably because I had spent it on beer). Nonetheless, I figured I should at least get my hair cut. Again, not a lot of cash, so my friend (not Ana) told me she would cut it. I issued several warnings about my incredible cow lick, and how it needed to stay kind of long to prevent the Alfalfa thing from happening. Sure enough, it ended up too short. One of my friends was walking by the bathroom and said "I'll give you a dollar if you Bic it." Sensing an opportunity, I sent out some solicitors who collected $38 for me to shave my head. It was a big event on the nerd floor, and bald Matt went home for Easter with money to spare.
Fast forward several years, and I was planning on going to Mullet night. I hadn't cut my hair in a while, so I decided to rock the lucky seven. Sadly, the stylist didn't get it. "Short on top, long in the back...in fact, don't even bother with the back" became "Oh, I'm just going to clean this up a little bit" became two inches off the back. It was barely recognizable as a mullet. Thus, I actually failed at getting my first mullet.
Two years later, and I went with my dad. I had collected some cash from some friends (maybe $50), and went to the game and had my hair cut at one of the Great Clips stations. This one was a total success. The girl who cut my hair said she actually used to work at a small town salon, and mullets were standard fare. I dumped the cash in the bucket, watched the game, looked awesome, and called it good.
The next time I tried to organize a little bit. If I collected enough, I would get a perm. We hit the modest $100 goal, and I went to the Douglas J Aveda Institute and permed it up. While not a fail, we didn't consider the shortening effect of the curls. Still, the girls working thought it was a hoot, and threw in a little cash of their own.
Now it's four years ago. I let anyone who wanted to donate pick their own style, or just pile on to one that was already offered up. Still, I wasn't getting a whole lot of traction; maybe $300 total. Then enter Eric Larsen (the same Eric we're splitting the money with...see the Recipients tab on the left). He picked this:
My "friends" thought it was hilarious, so a bidding war was started with about a week left. Everyone who sympathized with Melissa was throwing in against everyone who wanted me to sleep on the couch for several months. We hit $1060 that year, and Melissa and I were so moved that we matched the donation. We sent the money in with a little note to the White Sox Charities this time, and they actually responded with some kind thanks. That was the year that inspired us to keep this stupid thing going. It's also the year that I had to keep it for 106 days. Also, in honor of Eric's brilliance, I agreed to get the horrible shaved stripe mullet for the last week. Melissa still said I would have had to sleep on the couch, but at the end Eric suggested that he would let me out if I kept the mullet until the New Year (another month and a half). I did, and went with a Mullhawk for the last couple weeks. During this particular run, the following memories were made:
- At a football game at Purdue: "Dude, that is a PHYSICAL mullet!"
- My friend Schubeck's cousin, while taking a photo with me, put my mullet in his mouth. We're looking for the photo, and will post it when we find it.
- While walking down the street with Schubeck, who has a huge beard, some guy caught our eye and approached us, raising his hand to give a high five, calling out "Dude, that is a great..." Thinking the guy was going to compliment his awesome beard, Schubeck started to raise his hand and say "Thanks!" when he heard "...MULLET!" Mullet FTW!
Two years ago I was scheduled to go to Mexico for work for a month. We wised up and restricted the options this time. I got started late, so we set the goal that we would collect enough money to send the mullet to Mexico City. Success! The total wasn't as big, but we did get enough to draw out the mullet until after I arrived in Mexico. The winner that year was the Agassi mullet (which we know was actually a wig, but it was outstanding). The image at the top of this section is proof that the mullet arrived.
That brings us up to date. This year we're going to do $250/week. I'm optimistic.
How Good Will It Be?
You might think "Dude, your mullet isn't going to be legendary. You're probably just some dope who has some weak-sauce brushy hilltop. I'm not going to donate for that."
Well, that's where you're wrong. I got some wicked pre-mullet. In fact, I might say I have some straight-up glorious chop if it wasn't for the fact that I just let it grow, unaltered, until the Grand Mulleting. Since the bros may join the tomfoolery (see the Bonus tab), they need to be seen here, too. This was me, my sister Lizzie, and Melissa from mid-May.
...and this is the three brothers four years ago at Mullet Night. Can you imagine a family with better hair?
I'm looking for current photos of Sam and Jon, and a better one of me, but they're apparently few and far between. Good hair is hard to photograph in its natural habitat.
Bonus Items...Because Mullets Are for Everyone
This year there are some extra items. First, I got a proper haircut (first in ages) a couple years ago for a wedding so I have about two years' flow riding on my dome for double plus awesomeness.
Second, I'm married. My wife is a saint. She puts up with way more than mullets, but the mullets alone are enough to leave me. Well, it's been taken to a whole new level. If we hit $10,000 this year then SHE gets in on it. Specifically, she will get the Jareth (David Bowie) mullet from the Labyrinth movie. If there's anything in the world that could be sexier, I'm not sure what it could be.
To add onto that, my dad has put a "Mullet Bounty" on the heads of my two brothers. If they get mullets, he'll pay an additional $500 each. I think we'll set the "Sam and Jon get mullets" bar at $1500. If we hit that, then we increase the pot by $1000.
What's more, Eric (also nicknamed "E") will shave a racing stripe in his beard if we make it to $5000. I know it's not a mullet, but it's still good stuff. The photo to the right is him last fall, just before his second kid was born. Always classy.
Who This Benefits
Obviously, the White Sox Charities, but this year we're going to split the proceeds. My good friend, Eric, is starting a charity to help children with cystic fibrosis and their families in the mid-Michigan area.
First, I can't say enough good things about Eric and his wife, Lori, and their family. Once you get to know him, you'll be hard-pressed to find a more generous person who puts his whole heart into doing good. I've always known him to organize and participate in various charitable endeavors. Now he has two young children with Cystic Fibrosis which, if you don't know, is a horrible respiratory and digestive disease with no cure, and results in death for most patients before they are 40 years p;d.
Obviously, he has every reason to be down. Instead, he and Lori have started a support group to help OTHER parents and their kids, while still struggling through the everyday issues they themselves have to deal with. While CF Fighters has not attained status as a chariable organization with the State of Michigan, they're already actively supporting several children and families in the Lansing area. They've organized a golf outing in the Lansing area for June 2, and on June 9 Eric is running 30 miles with a friend to raise money for CF research, ending at the CF Walk that morning. You can find out more at their website, https://www.cffighters.org/
As for the White Sox Charities, they're also a great organization. I know we're not a big deal compared to the money they raise, but they've been very responsive when we've contacted them in the past, and they have been more than accomodating about some requests we've made. They consistently run events integrated with White Sox games as well as outside of the park. My aunt volunteered with them for some years, and loved everything about it (and she now works for the Sox on game days). They're more prominent than most team charities, and they support a diverse collection of outstanding charitable organizations in the Chicago area. Besides all that, which is enough on its own to merit support from two states away, I was raised with one foot on the South Side. My extended family has always been anchored on the South Side, and my grandfather was a Sox fan. I went with him to take some bricks and rubble from the old Comiskey Park before they knocked it down. So, apart from mullets and them running a good charity, I'm also a Sox fan. For more about White Sox Charities, go to http://chicago.whitesox.mlb.com/cws/white-sox-charities/
The most high-maintenance, but also the most high-class, the Permullet always goes to the front of the queue. It's a little greasy, and a lot awesome; The Permullet shows everyone you care, but not enough to not have a mullet. It says "I went through the trouble of a perm because this looks so damn good!" It says "I'm ready for my 80s reunion prom." It says "I'm ready to party all night, but I'm gonna look AWESOME when I get up to go to work in the morning". Always ready for some great family photos at Olin Mills, this one is never out of order, even after a few roundhouse kicks (a la Jean Claude). This one is the base behind the Camaro mullet. I have a friend who owns one, so I'll try and borrow it for a night on the town. Also, if this one wins then the top donation in this category will get a 90's awkward photo shoot with my beautiful curls.
The first of the evolving mullets, this is probably my favorite because I like karaoke. If this one wins then every few weeks (depending on amount raised) I'll adjust the mullet to the 7-cut belonging to another music legend. Between cuts, I'll go find a karaoke bar and sing the legend's songs. I'll roll out with the Achy Breaky Hair, and then segue into a modified Seger. From there, the sky's the limit. Worried about too much country? Don't forget Bono and Bowie. Speaking of Bowie: If this one wins AND we hit $10k then we'll time Melissa's Bowie with my own. What's better than one Bowie? TWO BOWIES. Dead dead sexy sexy. I'm not saying we're going to have kids, but just imagine if we procreate that week and the kids come out looking like Ziggy Stardust. I mean, can you afford NOT to vote for this one? Also, please donate thousands of dollars so Melissa will have a mullet. If this wins, then top bidder can pick an mulleted artist for me to desecrate.
The other metaphorphosis mullet, this one will revolve the roundtable of classic wrestling style. No lies, there were some epic (and I truly mean it) wrestling coiffes in the 90s. The Boy Toy Sean Michaels? Can you imagine this body waltzing around to his entrance music? Haven't seen my body recently? Good. You don't want to. Skull-ka-mania? I'm pretty sure Brutus the Barber Beefcaked his own mullet. It goes on and on. This one isn't as recognizable, so I'll conjure up some sort of outfit to wear to a bar for each stage of the metamorphosis, and do my best to spend the night in character. Also, I'll end it with a bleached Hulkamania skullet. Also also, I'll read The Metamorphoses. You can ask me about it at the bar crawl this summer if you come. If this one wins, the top bidder can pick a wrestling hero for me to emulate.
The old standby. Nothing says mullet like old glory waving in the wind. No product, no cosumes, no gimmicks. Just a good ol' undressed garden salad flowing down the back of the neck. Oh, and some patterns. Because patterns tell the people you meet that you don't just know how to party. You know how to PRE-party. So, this one will have an evolving pattern. I've done this before, but that just speaks to the staying power of the buzzed logos and feathery excellence. If this wins then the top bidder gets to pick the final design.
How To Donate
First, as I mentioned above, Melissa and I are matching the first $2500, so donate like crazy. So, how do you donate? I can do cash, check, and PayPal. I can also sign up for whatever Venmo-type service you want to use. If you PayPal me, you have to add a comment for the style. We take pledges, so you don't have to donate immediately. You can just tell me what you plan to donate and we'll chalk up the amount. If I know you, you can pay me when you see me next. If you know Eric or another of my friends, that's good as cash. You can contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Originally, I had wanted to set up a back-and-forth from this site to PayPal, and have a registered 501(c)(3) rolling. Neither happened. Grad school and life, yaknow? So, you donate based solely on your trust of me and Eric. The only true downside is this: Because neither Eric nor I has a registered 501(c)(3) yet, so you may not get a tax deduction. Hopefully that won't deter any of you. If it is a sticking point, then we can work out something where you hold half your donation until CF Fighters is finished with all the paperwork. Another downside is that you have to trust us to not pocket or waste the money, but we won't, so that's not really a downside. Tell us which mullet, and how much, and it's done. I'll keep the tracker at the top updated every day until the final few days. Then I'll do it hourly. Then every 15 minutes for the last two hours.
NEW DEADLINE and Duration
This year we're going for $250/week, or around $35/day. I plan to have the mullet for Mullet Night, Friday, June 15. Because Ana, who is cutting my hair, can't do Friday the 15th, we're moving the cutting up to Thursday night. The new deadline is Thursday, June 14, at 6:30PM Eastern time. However, because we're late getting rolling, we'll take donations that extend the time (and count toward the sexiest Bowie) until the end of June. Specifically, June 30 at noon. After that, we'll take money and pass it on but it won't count for either the style or the duration.
My friend Ana has cut my past two mullets, and done an outstanding job. Her and her daughters, Mia, Emma, and Frankie make up one of the coolest families I know. Frankie is the girl in the photo on the right, before her prom. Talk about an awesome haircut. I'm pretty sure that's the most awesome non-mullet that has ever happened. Ana and Emma did her hair. My past two mullets are shown below. Not only are they particularly talented, but their niece/cousin does make-up and stuff. She did Melissa's make-up for our wedding, and Melissa looked great. If you need some stylez or whatever then I can put you in touch with them.
What's more, Ana cut the most recent mullet at the salon where she now works part-time, and they didn't charge me (or her) for the chair time. That's a pretty sweet thing to do, especially because they were crowded that day. The salon is called New Style Salon, in East Lansing, in Trowbridge Plaza. I owe them a shameless plug here. Here's their web address. Check them out. http://newstylesalon.com
Fun Mullet Stuff
- On the ice, they grow a particular brand of mullet: Hockey Hair. Leave it to some guys in Minnesota to hand out awards for the best amateur waterfalls North of Kentucky. Great style, but better commentary. Here's this past year's video. Follow it to YouTube to find a vertiable treasure trove of slick stylings.
- You can "mull over" this guy's assembly of some of the best flop on the web.
- One of my favorite novelty artists, Wesley Willis, was not a mullet fan. I'll forgive him for this one because he beat up Batman. None of this is safe for work, or anybody's ears ever.
- Controversy at Australia's national mullet competition? Maybe I should move to Australia.
- Wonder whether you've got what it takes to rock a mullet? Wonder no more! With the "Hick Yourself" app, you can coiffe yourself in Joe Dirt's own hickaliffic terrifficness.
- So you're a mullet afficionado, but did you know that mullets are banned in Iran? Apparently they're a symbol of Western culture. My friend Anmol always tells me I'm a "Classic American." Guess Iran agrees. Check out this article about this and twelve other flowlicous factoids.
- Got some mulletude you'd like posted here? Send it on! email@example.com
- I was going to have a mullet quiz, but I never got around to coding it. Since it's the final countdown, it probably won't happen before the grand mulleting. However, I'll still try to get to it eventually, because why not?